There's No Going Back
by Metal Gear XANA
Summary: SPOILERS for two-part special! At first Pearl thought she made the right decision to fake Pink Diamond's death. After all she would be free to do as she please and be with the one she loved. Over time, though, she grew to realise the horrible mistake she made. Everyone suffered because of her. Everything is all her fault. Why did she ever agree with Pink? Pearl-centric. One-shot


There's No Going Back

 **A/N: Do not fear, I will continue 'The Unlikely Confidant'; however, I am extremely busy, and at times I need to be motivated to write it. Now I am after the two-part special! I like to also add that I will never abandon 'The Unlikely Confidant'; it may take months to update, but I will continue it in my own time.**

At the time when Pearl agreed to assist Pink Diamond in faking her death she did not think much of it.

To be free was all she ever wanted. To be who she wanted to be, to do what she wanted to do, and to be with the person she desired was all she ever thought of. Of course she was scared when she agreed to the task…but she ceased to contemplate on it when the deed was done. This was a choice she made on her account. She was extremely proud of herself.

Nothing would make her wish that she never had done it.

Oh, how naïve she had been…

* * *

Being able to fight and outmatch quartz soldiers was so riveting to Pearl. She could not help but smile as she swung her blades to counter a quartz soldier's weapon to then pierce them and have them poof, almost strangely comically, into their gemstone. With a solemn expression she bubbled the gemstone and sent it away. Her expression softened when she heard enthusiastic clapping from behind. When she turned she saw that Garnet and Bismuth came up to her. Thrilled and affectionate as always Bismuth swung her arm around the svelte gem and chortled with jubilant glee. Pearl let out a yelp at the impact but miraculously maintained balance.

"Well would you look at you go, Pearl! Being able to take down a quartz soldier on your own is something worth while!" Bismuth complimented cordially.

Pearl would never get used to flattery, as indicated by the sky blue blush that consumed her pale cheeks. Garnet grinned in awe at her, a grin that was so contagious (though gems can't be contagious!) that Pearl let out an enthusiastic smile.

"You are quite the gem, Pearl. No wonder I was terrified of you when we first met," Garnet commented with her grin turning into a wry smile.

Bismuth's bellowing laughter did not lessen Pearl's embarrassment and shame. She placed her swords into her gem and raised a hand to apologise to Garnet. "I-I hope y-you don't think I would hurt you now-"

"I know," Garnet interrupted with her eyes sparkling auspiciously. Her wry smile was still intact. "I'm just teasing you, Pearl."

"Yes, of course, I knew that!" Pearl retorted defensively, her nose flicked up to express haughtiness.

"Of course you did, Pearl!" Bismuth chuckled and rubbed the smaller gem's back. "You're a Crystal Gem so you're naturally perspective."

Pearl couldn't help but let out a chuckle. Her baby blue eyes watched the two gems with great affection that they sparkled. She never imagined that becoming a rebel would ever gift her with such wonderful gems. When she was… Pink Diamond's pearl she only had a bond with her diamond. No one would have ever wanted to talk to a pearl, not unless they ordered one to do as they were made to serve. Many times she felt alone, even in the company with Pink Diamond, feeling as if the world around her was collapsing atop her, cracking her gem to expose her emotional state. But then when she became a Crystal Gem everything changed for her. Garnet, Bismuth, and the other Crystal Gems... they saw her as a friend. They didn't like her because she obeyed their commands or looked pretty.

They loved her for being herself.

"How about we go and check a pond? They have so many frogs there!" Garnet suggested keenly as she stamped her feet excitedly on the ground.

"What's with you and frogs, G?" Bismuth inquired humorously. She loosened her hand on Pearl's back and slapped it on Garnet's shoulder. "How 'bout we see who can catch the most frogs?"

Before Pearl could inquire what was the purpose of this Garnet dashed away. Bismuth grinned at loving the idea of a challenge and rushed after the square haired gem. Pearl just stood their gaping with her eyes blinking in disbelief. Were the Crystal Gems really this silly? She shook her head in disbelief and a smile etched itself onto her face. She was truly blessed to have such wonderful friends. They were, what humans have coined, family.

Having a family was another reason why she knew that she made the right choice.

* * *

Shattered gems. Everywhere around there were shattered gems. The shards cruelly decorated the landscape. Shards of gems… _dead gems_.

Pearl shakily picked up a shard of a fellow Crystal Gem and examined it. She then proceeded to pick up a different Crystal Gem's shard, then another, and another until she reached a bush. Tears started to blur here eyes, giving the shards the illusion that she was holding more in her hands. Lips quivered uncontrollably that her jaw ached. She felt so fragile and weak that she collapsed on her knees. A few shards from the Crystal Gems and from the enemy cut and rubbed against her exposed legs. They felt like a million gems slamming their bladed weapons into her, piercing through her illusionary body. If she could bleed her clenching hands over the shards would have created a stream of blood. Whimpering noises, of the likes she never heard of, quietly rung through the air. She clenched her hair and the shards cut her in close proximity of her gem.

Why did this happen? Why, oh why, oh _why!?_

She knew why. Oh stars she knew why.

A scream bellowed from her as she sobbed uncontrollably around the mass grave of deceased gems. She repeatedly slammed her clenched hands into the ground, imaging that she was beating herself. Her stupid, naïve, selfish, reckless self. Images of the Crystal Gems spontaneously exploded across her mind, all watching her with unspeakable horror and betrayal. They had every right to feel betrayed and to condemn her. If she hadn't… if she had just listened to her doubts about faking Rose Qua-Pink Diamond's death then…

She can't turn back. This is what she has done to everyone: Crystal Gems, enemies, citizens of Homeworld, the Diamonds, all because of her decision.

There was nothing else that could be done.

"Pearl!"

For the first time she ignored her diamo-Rose Quartz. She could not trust herself around the influence of Rose.

"Pearl, p-please calm down!"

Pearl wanted to laugh. How could she hope to be content knowing that she killed-

More spontaneous thoughts erupted in her head. All she could do was scream and pummel the earth beneath her. Her hands ached, as she deserved. They halted for a second as she brought them to clutch her hair. Her vision blurred so badly that she thought, though impossible, that she was passing out. Without realizing what she was doing she raised her head, ready to slam her gemstone onto the earth. This was the only way she could atone her unprecedented mistake.

Someone grabbed her from under her arms and lifted her up. Pearl thrashed and yelled as she was lifted off the ground. The iron grip of Rose-Pink-Rose Quartz prevented her from reuniting with the ground to finish the job. She screamed a mixture of unintelligible sounds, hateful remarks directed at Rose, and pleas to atone for her crimes. Even with the sound of Rose sobbing and the feel of her shaking uncontrollably it did not falter Pearl's thrashing.

This was all her fault. It would be easy to blame it on Ros-Pink Diamond.

But in reality it was all her fault.

* * *

If she could, would she turn back time?

Not long ago she would have said yes.

She would have said yes even if she met and became friends with Amethyst.

She would have said yes even when Rose was happily in love with Greg.

But now, with Steven, she could not say yes.

Watching Steven light up whenever he could help, cheer for her and the Crystal Gems, and bring such positivity to everyone's lives made her think twice about wishing to turn back time. At first she believed it was due to her agreeing to take care of Steven, the final act as a pearl to her diamond. At first she despised Steven, believing him to be a reminder of the mistakes she made; the sense of betrayal from Rose for agreeing to her stupid plan, and the meaninglessness of it all: the deaths, the suffering, loving Rose, everything.

Now she could not hate him. She loved Steven for being… Steven.

And it hurt her knowing that he was suffering because of her mistakes.

She sat on the sofa, her hands clenching and unclenching to ease her thoughts. But they continued to pester her: 'you caused this all', 'Steven hates himself because of you', 'why can't you do anything right?'. Over time she learned to supress her emotions… realistically to an extent, but enough to not bawl about the trauma she bottles up. Steven did not deserve to shoulder her mistakes, nor did Garnet, Amethyst, Connie, anyone. She did not wish to be pitied-how laughable that she would need to be pitied, with all the dead gems and corrupted gems on her hands. Right now all she could do was continue to move forward and stay strong for everyone. Help Connie continue her training, assure Amethyst that she was no mistake, support Garnet's love of fusions, and help Steven overcome the burdens placed by Rose. For once in her life she wanted to do something right.

She did not want Steven to go through what she has to go through everyday.

The sound of the door opening brought Pearl to the reality to see Steven walk through it. With all the strength she could muster she gave a light smile and stood up to move over to Steven. The boy stared up at her and blinked questioningly, with a glint of worry in his eyes.

"How about you and I go and get ice cream and the, what do you call it? Ah, yes the bits!" Pearl suggested. She coughed awkwardly when Steven's eyebrows lit up in surprise. "You may even invite Connie along."

Words could not express how delighted she was when Steven lit up at this. He clenched his fists excitedly, the first time in a long time, and grinned his contagious loving grin. He cheered and ran up stairs to fetch his phone to no doubt call Connie. Pearl stood with a mixture of thoughts running through her head. She knew there was no turning back what she did all those millennia ago. Now she would focus her undying love for Steven, Connie and the Crystal Gems. They deserved better than her…

But maybe, just maybe, she could do something right.

 **The End.**


End file.
